Friday, January 21, 2011

overwhelming feeling

there is much in my life that should be overwhelming...
but its not the 3 kids under 3, the moving within the next month 2 1/2 hours away from my husband, the boys daddy, my dr & hospital, the fact that if history proves itself i will be on bed rest come april due to preterm labor, yet our house wont be ready til sometime in june if all goes well, we are still not sure where chris will live, have no clue what would happen and where we would move if i were to need to be closer to my dr & hospital before june, how exactly i am going to juggle 2 kids & 2 dogs in a neighborhood that i will have to walk my dogs every time they have to go out, the fact that i do not have any friends in hilton head and absolutely nothing to do until it warms up (because there really isnt much to do except beach, pool, tennis, golf, miniture golf, and shopping), the fact that the boys and i will be driving back and forth and back and forth a couple times a month, and the list goes on...

non of that is what is overwhelming me right now

my heart has a totally overwhelming sense of loss, heartache, desire, sadness, urgency for my daughter/s in ethiopia. i am brought to tears often with the sense of loss that she will be facing in order to one day become part of our family. since november i have had a few dreams where i have seen our little girls face. i am certain that she is already born. i hate that she is or will be facing hardship, i hate that she is going to face loss at such a young age, it breaks my heart to even think about her family and what they are or will be facing, will they willingly give her up for adoption? will they passaway and someone else places her in an orphanage? undoubtably they will face some form of hardship, financial, physical, or even worse spiritual. my heart breaks for her enat (mother), my heart breaks for my one day daughter, i am brought to my knees in prayer, break down to tears at the most random times of the day (like tonight while washing dishes, the other day while driving, in the middle of the night while i cry myself back to sleep).

i feel guilty that my thoughts are so consumed by her that i may be missing out of praying for the kids that are in my arms and growing in my belly right now. honestly i have to keep reminding myself that God is in control, He knows all of the details, He knows that if we would have started the adoption process in june like we were planning (although our hearts wanted to have already started but due to family circumstance that is not possible) that we would not be placed with the daughter that God has planned to join our family. oh but my heart still hurts to have to wait any longer. its hard for me to not question God as to why on earth He would make things increadibly clear just to make me wait that much longer. i am incredibly blessed with a miracle baby growing inside me, but it was not my plan and its a bit difficult to understand Gods timing. i secretively like to plan, get my ducks in a row, and organize my life (dont look at my house not everything is organized... too hard with toddlers)... God is showing me TIME & TIME AGIAN that HE IS IN CONTROL NOT ME!

i almost feel like im an israelite wondering in the desert for 40 years. they wondered for 40 years for the unbeliving generation to die off... ok so i am only 26 (next month 27) but for the last few years i really feel like i have been wondering. have totally been exactly where i dont want to be. i have complained about it, grumbled, been ticked off beyond measure. hmm sounding incredibly familiar to the israelites. maybe its my unblief that i dont trust God that He really can move mountains even the hardest of hearts or take my super clean husband to the trash dump of ethiopia... my huge mountain i want to live in africa, yet i feel very stuck in columbia. i just have to keep believing that He is in control, He is in control, HE IS IN CONTROL!


rachel said...

Love you friend! Praying for you and this baby and your daughters in Africa! Wish I could be in HH this spring...but please, take advantage of my mom! She needs an older daughter around.