my mind has been a whirl-wind lately. i guess for so long i have known that all the little pieces fit together but just never felt like dealing with them in order to see the big picture. so tonight as my house it quiet and everyone sleeps i sit before the computer ready to be vulnerable and honest.

yesterday as i rode home from a friends house my gaze was out the window daydreaming and in awe of the sky. it was captivating, a brilliant blue, with stark white glowing clouds some wispy others puffy and i could not help but to stare and drown out the music in the background. i was in awe of the Creator God. the beauty of natural revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and i was reminded of one of my favorite verses. i love how the Lord magnificently Created the world so that His handiwork points to Him!

Psalm 19:1-6
The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
their voice is never heard.[a]
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
and their words to all the world.
God has made a home in the heavens for the sun.
It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.
It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.
The sun rises at one end of the heavens
and follows its course to the other end.
Nothing can hide from its heat.


the more i sat and thought the more i started putting the pieces together that there is something missing in my life... there is something more... besides caring for and raising two precious sons (yes i do realize just how huge of a task this is) i feel like my life is empty and that my days are spent checking off meaningless to do lists. as if i were to die tomorrow that there would be family and a few friends who would care and miss me... but that would be about it. that my time on earth was wasted. that there was something more, but instead i wasted it. this is a gut wrenching feeling of hopelessness. the thing is i dont really know where to go from here. so for now i am being still and waiting for the Lord.

i know a few things that need to change is that i need to be intentional in relationships... and the Lord has provided two ladies who work near my house who are from Ethiopia and Nigeria. i have prayed and maybe this is the Lord's way of allowing me to have a little bit of Africa here where i am.

a dear friend posted that her prayer was that the Lord would allow her to see her shattered dreams as grace...

just typing that was difficult... i guess because i am still closed-fisted holding onto my shattered dreams like its a broken vase and the shards of glass have cut my hands. some of the cuts are deep, some have begun to heal, but others are still bleeding. i dont want to give them up. i still have the desire even though my dream has been shattered by people, by choices, by life. my fear is if it give it up, or just get over it like some have told me, then God could use me in other areas. sometimes i hold resentment and it shows up in other areas of my life. i know this is wrong. i know that i have change. i know i have to open my closed-fisted shattered glass filled hands and allow God to show me His grace.

in all this vulnerability... i could really use your prayers