Tuesday, August 26, 2008

too much time to think

so last night at work (for those of you who may not know... i work at the hospital from 9pm-6am) i had way too much time to think and thats not a good thing.

the emotions are bombarding me, but i will try my best to convey my thoughts in words without rambling too much.

i am such a "WHY" person... always have been... and sorry chris i probably always will be. im sure i drove my parents crazy with all of my "but why mommy". i guess that character trait has followed me in my walk with the Lord... not that i necessarily question His character, judgement, or grace... but sometimes i just want to know the reason behind the situation... and last night was one of those times.

a girl delivered at 19 weeks... too early for modern technology to be able to save the sweet baby boy's life. he came out kicking and even had a heartbeat for a few minutes, but just as fast as he came into this world, he was gone again.

throughout the night there was a HUGE lump in my throat and i had to push back the tears more times than i could count. after she delivered they placed the baby in a basket in the room in which i delivered eli, room 407, until the mom was ready to see her sweet son.

my heart ached for this sweet mama... i wanted to go sit next to her and hold her hand and just cry and utter a prayer to God on her behalf... but im not sure the rules and i personally just couldnt find it in me to knock on her door. maybe the fact that i do have a sweet son who took his first breath in the vary room her son was lying peacefully with Jesus. then on the flip side it made me miss the babies i never got to meet.

so here are some of my questions... i know they do not have a concrete answer...

...are 50% of the pregnant girls we see under 20, and act like their baby is an inconvenience for them, while so many other women desire so deeply to become a mother, yet cant get or stay pregnant
...can drug babies go home with their drug addicted mothers
...why do so many pregnancies end in tragedy


m&m said...

been there, felt that, many times, dear.
imagine at LMC...it was horrible, 15 yr old girls, already with 3 kids.
a baby with 'cruddy' lung sounds, thanks to her mother who smoked all throughout the pregnancy.
a baby that tested + for every horrible drug under the sun.
so, yes, dear, I know, I asked God the same questions week to week.
many hugs.