the pieces of my life

as i was reading a friend named angie's blog (mind you we have never met, but she has quickly become a mentor, best friend, and someone who draws me closer to Jesus) and she talked about taking a clay pitcher and shattering it at her feet only to hot glue-gunned it back together as she talked to Jesus. at first i too thought the idea was sort of crazy and a bit of a waste of time, however, i could not get this analogy out of my head so while at walmart last week i found a beautiful clay vase, yet it sat on my counter where i had placed it upon getting home. i saw it everyday but i still thought the idea was crazy. i wrote her about it and she encouraged me to face my fears, past, and pain and allow God to be the Healer. yesterday i shattered my vase, it was like me, hard-headed, as it took me throwing it on the ground 5 times to finally break into pieces. so as eli slept i pulled out my Bible and read all of the passages about brokenness and clay pots. i am a very visual person so i wrote with a permanent marker all of the past relationships, hurts, regrets, things that caused me anger which grew to resentment and honestly bitterness. i wrote the things i do not like about myself. i surrendered my dream of living in africa, and let me tell you that was by far the hardest aspect. i dealt with the pain of having three miscarriages. i was finally honest with myself over things i had "justified" in the past and called it like God sees it. i wrote out Bible verses that the Lord used to bring forgiveness, healing and understanding. so then today i had the wonderful task of putting my pieces back together. God really used this time to speak to my heart. i am a perfectionist and i did not like the mess that i was making with the glue, so i washed off a few pieces, and ironically the permanent marker washed away too with just water. you know what was more ironic, every piece that i picked up to wash were all the really hard stuff to deal with, the bad relationships, big mistakes, bitterness and resentment. God showed me that as i washed off the mess of trying to be in control of my life and live it on my own, that is the very place that He wants to bring healing and the difficult pasts were washed away. my fingers were cut and stinging and messy with the excess glue, but it too was a reminder that my life was messy and that Jesus endured pain to forgive me. for the first time i honestly feel like i have a clean slate. my vase is not yet completed, but i have truly come to the realization that everything, even the yucky stuff in my life has shaped me to be the person i am today. sure we would all change things in our life if we could, yet we cant, so i can be satisfied with who God has shaped and molded me. i suggest this exercise for any believer... God really used it in my life.