today

today is hard... today is sad... today i want to just sip on my cup of coffee and cry
today i should be boarding a plane with my two little guys and a dear friend... tomorrow i should be arriving in my heartland of Africa greeted by two precious friends the orphaned twins they are caring for. today i am still confused as to why God closed the doors at the last minute. today i am trying to trust in Him and walk by faith even when i cannot see because this broken road prepares His will for me. so today i am trying to give up, yet again, my will and follow His. this is a daily, hourly, often minute by minute task. my heart yearns, aches, desires, longs, to be in Africa. over the years it has not disappeared, dissolved, or even decreased in the slightest, if anything its bubbling over more now more than ever before.

no im not scared to take my family there. im not scared to show them the realities of this world. im not scared if we dont look like the typical american family... actually in moments when we begin to fit into the norm everything inside me bucks. i dont want to be the typical american family. im not going to pretend that nothing is going on around the world while i go on with my daily life. i cant forget that there are somewhere between 163-203 MILLION orphans around the world... for as long as i can remember, around the age of 3 perhaps (yes that is pretty accurate as i have memories from age 20 months onward), i have known without a shadow of doubt that i would adopt babies from africa. so i lay awake at night longing, praying, dreaming, desiring, craving, my sweet children that are where i want to be, but knowing that where they are is under horrible circumstances so my heart hurts, cries, and is crushed for them and their families.

it is hard to be here when i desire to be there. it is hard to go to the grocery store when so many are starving. so blooming where im planted... i deperately want to get involved with the missions program at the church we are currently attending (hoping that this is where we can settle down and get involved). i have some really awesome ideas. im trying to bloom where im planted. oh and on a little side note im SO excited that for my birthday this year i am going to be able to go to an amazing adoption retreat with 200 other adoption mamas. God has blessed me with new friendships right here who are on a heart level with me in the adoption/africa world and it is amazing.