autumn days

insomnia

so for weeks on end i have had the worst time sleeping... i think i mentioned this before... but its not getting better. i am up late at night laying awake in bed for hours awake in the middle of the night for hours... and normally not because of the boys waking up. i am up burdened to pray. my heart aches for my child/ren who are waiting for us in Africa. but i dont even know what agency or country we are going to use. i think i narrowed it down to 2 agencies: holt international and america world. we are leaning towards Ethiopia because it is a well oiled country to adopt from in Africa and because i love the country, culture, food and have this unexplainable attachment ever since 2001 when i was there. but we are still praying for guidance as to where and with whom and how many children.

in the middle of the night this week i opened my Bible to the back and looked up waiting and this is the verses that popped out to me... yes a little out of context but it still reassured me

Romans 8:23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption

Romans 8:26-27 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.

bloom where planted

Haggai 1:5-6
Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

i have been challenged to get out of my hole and bloom where i am instead of just dreaming of where i want to be...

harsh

hard

reality

but

its

true

i have been so focused on where i want to be. focused on my boys. but have slacked in ministry. i have not been intentional in my relationships.

so today i stepped out of the box and this is what it looked like today to bloom where i am planted

i saw a lady with her two little daughters today while at lunch with some friends. she was speaking in another language and while we were sitting in the play area i introduced myself. i found out that she is from Egypt. she just came here 2 month ago and does not have many mom friends. so i gave her my number and got her number. i am going to be intentional.

i am excited to see what this is going to look like.

today

today is hard... today is sad... today i want to just sip on my cup of coffee and cry
today i should be boarding a plane with my two little guys and a dear friend... tomorrow i should be arriving in my heartland of Africa greeted by two precious friends the orphaned twins they are caring for. today i am still confused as to why God closed the doors at the last minute. today i am trying to trust in Him and walk by faith even when i cannot see because this broken road prepares His will for me. so today i am trying to give up, yet again, my will and follow His. this is a daily, hourly, often minute by minute task. my heart yearns, aches, desires, longs, to be in Africa. over the years it has not disappeared, dissolved, or even decreased in the slightest, if anything its bubbling over more now more than ever before.

no im not scared to take my family there. im not scared to show them the realities of this world. im not scared if we dont look like the typical american family... actually in moments when we begin to fit into the norm everything inside me bucks. i dont want to be the typical american family. im not going to pretend that nothing is going on around the world while i go on with my daily life. i cant forget that there are somewhere between 163-203 MILLION orphans around the world... for as long as i can remember, around the age of 3 perhaps (yes that is pretty accurate as i have memories from age 20 months onward), i have known without a shadow of doubt that i would adopt babies from africa. so i lay awake at night longing, praying, dreaming, desiring, craving, my sweet children that are where i want to be, but knowing that where they are is under horrible circumstances so my heart hurts, cries, and is crushed for them and their families.

it is hard to be here when i desire to be there. it is hard to go to the grocery store when so many are starving. so blooming where im planted... i deperately want to get involved with the missions program at the church we are currently attending (hoping that this is where we can settle down and get involved). i have some really awesome ideas. im trying to bloom where im planted. oh and on a little side note im SO excited that for my birthday this year i am going to be able to go to an amazing adoption retreat with 200 other adoption mamas. God has blessed me with new friendships right here who are on a heart level with me in the adoption/africa world and it is amazing.

5 years ago today

to say that the last five years was all "wine and roses" (wait... i dont like wine and i think roses are a waste of money) so what about "beer and coffee"... would be complete lie. it has been the most challenging, life-changing, adventure. we continue to learn how to love each other well. its not easy, but its rewarding. we have been through a whole lot in the last 5 years... living apart due to jobs, losing a job which caused much debt, many medical set backs, moving, living with many relatives (sorry if you are reading it) which is stressful, and have had 4 miscarriages which have been heartbreaking but we have also grown so much, learned to communicate much better, and have become a great team and have two amazing little men. in the coming weeks we hope to find and buy a house, start the adoption process, and hope to get plugged into a new church. life sure is an adventure!

October 15th

so today is just another day

to most people

but today

october 15th

is a day that means something to me

as it is

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

you might not get it

many dont

but for me my heart still aches for my babies everyday

did you hear that?

EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE i miss my babies, long for my babies, and want to hold my babies

i will never forget the ones who i never got to know face to face

i will never forget the day i lost them or the day they should have been born

i will never forget the sweet names we gave our precious babies

they mean just as much to me as do Eli and Levi

they are my babies and i miss them dearly and always will

your daddy, mama, and brothers love you always & forever

Skylar Hope 12/4/06

Noah Journey 2/1/08

Natalina Grace 5/25/08

Jebediah Willow 7/18/10

your names are written in the sand, yet quickly washed away by the crashing waves

never will you be washed away from my heart, for there you will remain forever!

overwhelmed

decisions... life-long choices... and too many changes to count have completely and utterly turned my world upside down and made me overwhelmed/unmotivated. my heart physically, emotionally, and spiritually aches. there is so much going on, so many huge decisions to make and no time to pray, process, and wait. praying i have done... funny how the quiet moments of my day are those long hours i lay awake at night trying to not become tangled in all of the details but to lay each of them at the cross. God obviously wants me praying, because i now have insomnia... which to some is no big deal and they experience it all the time, i however, never have trouble sleeping. i can sleep anywhere... a loud matatu ride with people squished like sardines, in a ski lodge during lunch, airports, you get my point. lately though, i am up for hours at night or awakened suddenly in the middle of the night or up bright and early well before the sun. normally they dont happen all in the same night, thank goodness. so here are some of the things i can share:

~ we are now not going to uganda and kenya in what should have been less than 2 weeks (due to lack of financial support and the need to care for Nana) my heart hurts so bad and tears fill my eyes. after 5 years of waiting for Chris to be willing and wanting to go to Africa and our schedules lined up perfectly it crumbled from the core. it doesnt help that we talked it up so much to eli that today he told me when he found money, mom this is for rachel's babies, 3 days i give them, 3 days mama africa cause it was my birthday, mama airplane to africa to see baby eli and ellie and rachel ray (these are constant comments)

~ we are most likely going to be moving (downtown) because a full time care giver is going to need to move in our house to care for Nana all day and I just cant do that with two active little guys. she is 86 years old, can hardly see anymore, and has dementia/alzheimers. we are most likely going to buy as its the buyers market, not the renters market, plus i have a mr. fix it, so we are praying for an amazing deal on something that we can in the end make money on when we move again... cause if you know anything about me it makes me want to hypervenalate at the thought of buying a house because in my head that = being stuck and i cant be stuck. i am a nomad at heart and my heartstrings are tied to africa. i cant be stuck here.

~ after being involved in a church here for 3 years it is time to bid them goodbye... and church hunting is so hard... Jesus teaching redemptive theology, the heart of worship, community, outreach are all so important

~ our friends are dropping like flies and moving to africa, india, florida, georgia, and somewhere in the military... for such a times as this... you are dearly missed!

~ our adoption journey is in the beginning... with possibilities... that i am not able to share... i am excited at the possibilities, however, trying to protect my heart. i of course am much more ready to walk this journey and the chance of a lifetime has presented itself to us... but it will require a HUGE step of faith and it would not be easy, would not be comfortable, and quite frankly could be a bit insane... but with that said, i do not believe that Jesus called us to a comfortable christian life... when He called His disciples He called them to abandon their careers, comforts, family, posessions, and ultimately themselves, but somehow we twist the truth to fit our comfort zone. "we do have to give up everything we have and follow Jesus. We do have to love HIm in a way that makes our closest relationships in this world look like hate. And it is entirely possible that He will tell us to sell everything we have and give it to the poor" (Radical, by David Platt). all that to say... my Savior didnt say pray this prayer, sign this card as your free pass and forget about me until heaven.



PRAYER is huge and means oh so so so much to me, to our family.

3 years ago

my miracle boy was born blue limp without life or breath- bet you woyuld ever guess that looking at him today! Happy birthday miracle boy

Harambee

something that i appreciate in kenyan culture is how everyone came together to help each other out in times of need, whether that was a hospital bill, getting married, a new baby, etc. i experienced the reality of carrying each others burdens. a harambee means "all joined together" in swahili and it could be an informal get together or an event that carried over for a few days. my mom jokingly said that we should pass a basket at Chris and Eli's birthday... to fund raise african style, since africa is where we are desiring to go.

i am really having a hard time. chris is the one who came up with the idea of taking a family missions trip to africa to see where God might have us in the future and to serve Him in radical ways now. we are also wanting to adopt from africa and this would just spur on the desire to care for orphans.

i know that the Lord is in control, even when i feel like everything is spinning out of control
i know that He would not have closed many many many job opportunities for no reason
i know that His timing is perfect
i know that He is the Great Provider
i know that i have experienced many God ordained an orchestrated appointments this week
i know that my 5 years in waiting for this point and time is not in vain
i know that i can trust Him
i know that even in my sadness He is still good, all the time

our trip to africa for vision/direction/serving/loving/being faithful/encouragement/reuniting/friendship/obedience/worship/refreshment/renewed priorities/and many a more is on the line... we cannot financially front this deep desire and calling to go to africa all by ourselves. we made a decision to not put it on a credit card... so we do not have tickets, because we do not have enough support. i am still trusting, still waiting, still praying, still hoping, still dreaming of africa