5 years ago today

to say that the last five years was all "wine and roses" (wait... i dont like wine and i think roses are a waste of money) so what about "beer and coffee"... would be complete lie. it has been the most challenging, life-changing, adventure. we continue to learn how to love each other well. its not easy, but its rewarding. we have been through a whole lot in the last 5 years... living apart due to jobs, losing a job which caused much debt, many medical set backs, moving, living with many relatives (sorry if you are reading it) which is stressful, and have had 4 miscarriages which have been heartbreaking but we have also grown so much, learned to communicate much better, and have become a great team and have two amazing little men. in the coming weeks we hope to find and buy a house, start the adoption process, and hope to get plugged into a new church. life sure is an adventure!

October 15th

so today is just another day

to most people

but today

october 15th

is a day that means something to me

as it is

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

you might not get it

many dont

but for me my heart still aches for my babies everyday

did you hear that?

EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE i miss my babies, long for my babies, and want to hold my babies

i will never forget the ones who i never got to know face to face

i will never forget the day i lost them or the day they should have been born

i will never forget the sweet names we gave our precious babies

they mean just as much to me as do Eli and Levi

they are my babies and i miss them dearly and always will

your daddy, mama, and brothers love you always & forever

Skylar Hope 12/4/06

Noah Journey 2/1/08

Natalina Grace 5/25/08

Jebediah Willow 7/18/10

your names are written in the sand, yet quickly washed away by the crashing waves

never will you be washed away from my heart, for there you will remain forever!

overwhelmed

decisions... life-long choices... and too many changes to count have completely and utterly turned my world upside down and made me overwhelmed/unmotivated. my heart physically, emotionally, and spiritually aches. there is so much going on, so many huge decisions to make and no time to pray, process, and wait. praying i have done... funny how the quiet moments of my day are those long hours i lay awake at night trying to not become tangled in all of the details but to lay each of them at the cross. God obviously wants me praying, because i now have insomnia... which to some is no big deal and they experience it all the time, i however, never have trouble sleeping. i can sleep anywhere... a loud matatu ride with people squished like sardines, in a ski lodge during lunch, airports, you get my point. lately though, i am up for hours at night or awakened suddenly in the middle of the night or up bright and early well before the sun. normally they dont happen all in the same night, thank goodness. so here are some of the things i can share:

~ we are now not going to uganda and kenya in what should have been less than 2 weeks (due to lack of financial support and the need to care for Nana) my heart hurts so bad and tears fill my eyes. after 5 years of waiting for Chris to be willing and wanting to go to Africa and our schedules lined up perfectly it crumbled from the core. it doesnt help that we talked it up so much to eli that today he told me when he found money, mom this is for rachel's babies, 3 days i give them, 3 days mama africa cause it was my birthday, mama airplane to africa to see baby eli and ellie and rachel ray (these are constant comments)

~ we are most likely going to be moving (downtown) because a full time care giver is going to need to move in our house to care for Nana all day and I just cant do that with two active little guys. she is 86 years old, can hardly see anymore, and has dementia/alzheimers. we are most likely going to buy as its the buyers market, not the renters market, plus i have a mr. fix it, so we are praying for an amazing deal on something that we can in the end make money on when we move again... cause if you know anything about me it makes me want to hypervenalate at the thought of buying a house because in my head that = being stuck and i cant be stuck. i am a nomad at heart and my heartstrings are tied to africa. i cant be stuck here.

~ after being involved in a church here for 3 years it is time to bid them goodbye... and church hunting is so hard... Jesus teaching redemptive theology, the heart of worship, community, outreach are all so important

~ our friends are dropping like flies and moving to africa, india, florida, georgia, and somewhere in the military... for such a times as this... you are dearly missed!

~ our adoption journey is in the beginning... with possibilities... that i am not able to share... i am excited at the possibilities, however, trying to protect my heart. i of course am much more ready to walk this journey and the chance of a lifetime has presented itself to us... but it will require a HUGE step of faith and it would not be easy, would not be comfortable, and quite frankly could be a bit insane... but with that said, i do not believe that Jesus called us to a comfortable christian life... when He called His disciples He called them to abandon their careers, comforts, family, posessions, and ultimately themselves, but somehow we twist the truth to fit our comfort zone. "we do have to give up everything we have and follow Jesus. We do have to love HIm in a way that makes our closest relationships in this world look like hate. And it is entirely possible that He will tell us to sell everything we have and give it to the poor" (Radical, by David Platt). all that to say... my Savior didnt say pray this prayer, sign this card as your free pass and forget about me until heaven.



PRAYER is huge and means oh so so so much to me, to our family.